There were two late night travelers who were tired and they came to a lonely area with no houses around. There was only one house there and it belonged to a widow. So they knocked anyway, because they were cold and tired and the road was foggy, and it was snowing and they couldn't go any farther. They knocked and the widow said, "Well, I'd be glad to receive you, but my husband just died recently, and I don't want the whole town to talk about it if I receive you. So, I think you'd better go somewhere else!" But the travelers said, "We're sorry, but we, we, we can't! We're exhausted, and we're run out of gas, and the road is full of snow, so we can't go, and we'd be happy just to sleep in the barn. We don't sleep with you in the house, so people won't talk." So the woman said, "OK fine! Ok! Yeah, then go to the barn!" So both of travelers went to the barn to sleep, and the next morning they said, "Thank you very much" and drove away.
Nine months later, one of the... (Laughter) Do you know this joke? (R: No!) Nine months later... OK, let's say Smith and Tony. (Laughter) I can't remember! I don't mean it personally! So, Smith came and visited Tony, and Smith said to Tony, "Tony do you remember the widow in the middle of nowhere that we came knocking at her house, and she let us sleep in the barn? Like, nine months ago? And Tony replied, "Yes, I remember!" Then Smith said, "Tony, tell me the truth! Did you get up in the middle of the night, and go there and have an affair with her or something?" And Tony was very embarrassed, but admitted that, yes indeed he did. And then Smith continued, "Yeah, but in the middle of it, you told her my name instead of your name, right? (Laughter) And you gave my name and address instead of yours, right?" And Tony became very sheepish and said, "Oh yes, ah, I mean, oh, ah, I'm sorry but, you know well¡K" And Smith said, "That's OK with me! You know what? She just died and left all her property in my name!" (Laughter) I told you it's a bad story, but it's a lesson in honesty. (R: Yeah.) You never know what your lying will bring you!
A priest went around with a basket after his sermon, so that everybody could give money donation to the church. And then it came to the big monger in town, the owner of the pub. And he wanted to give a big check, $20,000! And the priest said, "No! Even though we're in need of money to reconstruct the house of the Lord, we won't take this kind of money from this kind of person!" So after a long silence the whole congregation said, "Ah, father, take it! It's from all of us anyway!"
A certain little boy was doing very badly in mathematics, so his parents tried everything, including private teachers, flash cards and a special learning center, but it didn't work. So, as their last effort, they took the little kid to the local Catholic school. And after the first day, the boy came home with a very serious appearance. After saying "Hello," he went straight to his room and started studying. And his mother was very surprised and called him to dinner. Then after dinner, the boy walked immediately back to his room and read books, and did his homework again. So it went on for a long time every day like this, and the mother had no clue what had changed her son so much. Finally, the kid brought home his report card and left it on the table, and then immediately went to his room to study again. The mother looked at it and said, "My God, he has an 'A' in math!" So she couldn't hold her curiosity any longer and came up to his room and asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" The little boy looked at the mother and shook his head and said, "No, no!" "Well then, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniform, what? What was it?" So the boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the cross, I knew they were serious!" (Laughter)
A husband and wife came into a dentist's office, and the wife immediately said, "I want a tooth pulled, but I don't want gas. I don't want Novocain, because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible, OK?" So the dentist said, "Oh, this is a brave woman! Now, show me which tooth it is." So, the wife turned to the husband and said, "Open your mouth and show him the tooth..." (Laughter) What is love for?